“I Don’t Want To Go To School” – How To Manage Our Children’s Anxiety When Starting Or Returning To School.
As parents and caregivers, we want nothing more than to wave goodbye to our smiling child at the school gates and watch them skip off with their friends, but when going back to school or starting school invokes big emotions, tummy aches, tears, aggression, yelling and refusal, it is clear that anxiety is in the driver’s seat.
However, as challenging as school anxiety can be it is a very human experience and it can be managed with the support of an important adult.
Why is my child feeling so anxious?
Anxiety is our body’s way of preparing us to confront or undertake something challenging, and It can be a really helpful response when we are needing to react fast in an emergency.
It is also designed to keep us close to those that keep us safe, and children feel safe next to their bigger, stronger adults. The challenge with school is that it calls for children to separate from this safe important person.
Even though our children are wired to feel anxious when they are away from their safe adult, they are also equipped with resilience that is waiting to be nurtured.
We can support them in doing these big and difficult things by helping them realise that even though something may feel scary, we can we can be scared and brave at the same time. This is why it is important not to avoid the situation that we know is safe, but is still triggering anxiety in our child. As the part of our brain that is responsible for anxiety (amygdala) learns from experience, the more we avoid the situation, the bigger the worry becomes.
What can I do to help?
Whether our child is starting school for the first time, or returning to school. When these anxieties show up there are a number of things we can do;
First and foremost it’s important to validate our child’s feelings and let them know that it is ok to feel anxious about school. We can explain a little about what anxiety is, letting them know that it is our brain’s way of keeping us safe, but sometimes our brain works too hard and makes us feel anxious when we’re actually safe. We can explain that this was really useful when we were cavemen and had to escape from dangerous predators, as our brain would register the threat and send our body, primarily, into ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ mode. When we are in ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ mode our body needs to get ready to move, so our heart beats faster sending blood to our muscles and our breathing quickens. However, when there is no predator to run away from all of this extra energy makes our body feel yucky. Our legs can feel wobbly, our chest can feel tight, we can feel sick or have a stomach ache. Give our child the opportunity to try to explain what it feels like in their body. Then discuss other ways that our child can get that energy out of their body, so that they can return to a settled state, whether it’s jumping on the trampoline, blowing bubbles or using fidget toys.
A wonderful book that explains anxiety beautifully is ‘Hey Warrior’ by Karen Young.
We need to give our child the opportunity to talk about their fears or concerns and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to their anxiety. For example, if they are struggling with a particular subject or teacher, it is important to reach out to the school and discuss potential solutions.
We can do our best to establish a supportive and nurturing environment at home, so that they feel they have a comfortable space to relax, unwind and feel supported after school. When we are able to provide this home environment, our children can return to a settled state and feel more able to take on opportunities to be brave.
Feeling emotionally prepared for that very first day, or first day back, is very important for our children. A social story is a wonderful tool in helping our child prepare. Our lovely Hannah, here at Lemon Drops, has prepared a social story for both starting school and returning to school for the younger primary aged children. It explores how our children may feel, how to prepare for those big feelings, making goodbyes special and how our children can still feel connected with us while at school.
(Follow this link to download; Starting School, Going Back To School).
Feeling prepared practically is helpful too. Our children may like to talk through the steps of getting to their classroom, where they put their bag, who will be there or what they would like in their lunchbox. A few days before going to school it may also be helpful to start getting out of bed at the time they would be for school, and for older school children, having a couple of practice runs for getting to school on their own. Allowing a little extra time on the first day is also really helpful, so there is no rushing around, which can trigger anxiety.
School anxiety is very common, but it’s also very manageable with the right support.
As parents and caregivers, we can be aware of any worries that their anxiety is triggering in us and choose to move it aside, so that they can feel how sure we are of their bravery and resilience. We can help them prepare and work through any emotions that are coming up for them, and with patience, understanding and a solid belief in their courage, our children can overcome their fears and thrive!
