Divorce And Separation – The Impact It Can Have On Our Children And How We Can Support Them Through It.
Divorce is a big life-changing transition that can bring emotional upheaval and significant changes for everyone involved. There are such big practical, financial and emotional struggles for the adults, but the emotional struggles for the children are just as big.
As parents and caregivers, it's our responsibility to provide solid support and guidance throughout this unstable time.
No one enters a relationship and starts a family thinking that it will be anything but forever. So, when a relationship comes to an end there will likely be feelings of grief, for both the adults and the children, for the loss of either how things were or how one hoped it would be.
Lots of emotions come with this loss; sadness, confusion, guilt, shame, anger, fear, so it can be hard to keep it together and be the support that your child needs when you’re all experiencing these big feelings. Looking after yourself is vital, so that you can meet your children’s big needs throughout this transition.
Taking Care of You
Even if there may be feelings of relief and even freedom when the relationship comes to an end, there will be lots of the other tougher emotions happening too. You might feel fragile and unable to cope with the emotions and challenging behaviours your child is displaying.
This is why you first need to make sure you are nurturing yourself when you can.
Here are some ideas that can help:
Make time for not thinking about it at all. It’s almost impossible to make yourself not think about something without some form of distraction, so engaging the activities and hobbies we love the most is a great place to start. Whether it is exercise, walking in nature or reading a book, in those small moments when you aren't pulled in to your responsibilities, take advantage and do something purely for yourself.
Connect with your friends and closest family members for support during your separation/divorce. Be as open as you can with your most trusted supports about how you're feeling, and lean on them when you need to. This connection and support is crucial for your own healing.
Get professional support if needed. Sometimes the support from friends and family can only go so far and the guidance from a professional therapist is necessary to help you process this big adjustment.
Giving time to maintaining or improving your self-care during a divorce or separation can make such a big difference in helping you to move forward in a healthy way.
When you're able to take care of yourself, you'll be better able to take care of your children.
Being the Support for Your Child
When a relationship is coming to an end it is almost a given that the tension will be felt by the children, so there will be big feelings even before the separation occurs. Making sure that you keep the lines of communication open with your children is essential, so that they feel comfortable expressing their emotions, feelings and questions, even before any separation happens, without fear of judgement. Age-appropriate conversations about the divorce, its reasons, and potential changes can help children process their thoughts and emotions in a safe space with you. Younger children might require simpler explanations, while older children might benefit from more detailed discussions.
A sense of instability will be felt by your child when separation happens.
Here you can assure them that, despite the changes, your love for them remains constant.
Many children believe themselves to be the cause of their parents’ divorce, particularly children under the age of 7. This is because, developmentally, it is difficult for them to see anything from another person’s perspective. As they find it hard to understand the world apart from themselves, they often assume that the divorce is because of them. This guilt and shame can make them feel worthless, anxious, and depressed, so it is very important that we ensure that they know the divorce is not their fault.
Parenting expert Dr. Justin Coulson suggests we should also make sure that they know;
Their parents loved each other when the children were born, and those children were (and are) wanted
Both parents still love them and want to remain part of their lives
The children don’t have to choose who they’ll live with. That’s been decided for them
Parents may still struggle and disagree. These disagreements are between the parents, and the kids don’t need to take sides
The children will probably have big feelings like sadness and anger for a long time – maybe more than a year! If they feel like that, their parents will be there to listen and talk without judgment
The divorce is not a secret. They can tell others if they need to
Rules are probably going to be a bit different in each home.
When a child’s world is turned upside down, they’ll need a lot of reassurance that they’ll be okay. Organise how things will work and what will look different and talk this through with them to give them the stability they need. Let them know where they’ll be living, who they’ll be living with, and give them some control where possible, as it can help them feel empowered in a situation that might otherwise feel overwhelming.
Children thrive on routine and familiarity. While some changes are inevitable, try to keep their daily routines as consistent as possible.
Maintaining stability in their schedules, school activities, and extracurriculars can provide a sense of normalcy during this turbulent time.
Make sure that If there are different rules or routines in each house that this is clear to the children, so they know what to expect. Children need their world to be predictable. When everything changes, they can become anxious as there isn't the assurance that everything is under control.
Ensure that your child can feel at home in both houses.
Set up their bedrooms with things that make them feel safe and ensure that they have pyjamas, underwear, runner, toiletries etc at both homes so they’re not always bringing everything between houses.
Be very aware of how you talk about your partner in front of your child. It may be difficult, but talking negatively about your partner or undermining the bond between the child and the other parent can have adverse effects on children and is likely to harm your relationship with them. It’s the parent who loves their children enough to respect their relationship with the other parent that will end up with a closer relationship to their children than the other parent
If possible, strive for a cooperative co-parenting relationship. This includes being able to talk to each other respectfully. Working together to create a consistent approach to rules and expectations can minimize confusion and provide a sense of continuity for the children. Stay away from using them as messengers between parents, as it can burden them with unnecessary stress.
You need to be their support, not the other way around. It’s absolutely ok for them to see you upset sometimes, but they need to know that you can handle this. You need to be the support and comfort for them to cry and shout, but you need to make sure you find someone else that isn’t your child to be this support for you.
Be aware of any significant changes in your child's behaviour, such as withdrawal, academic struggles, and other big emotions that you may find more challenging. These changes could indicate that they might need additional support.
As time goes on there will be new traditions that emerge. You can involve your children in creating some new traditions and allow them to enjoy the positives of their parents being separated, like getting two lots of Christmas presents or two birthday cakes.
Divorce is undoubtedly a challenging experience that can turn lives upside down for a while, but with open communication, empathy, connection and a focus on the well-being of your children and yourself, you can help them navigate the process with resilience. By showing them that they are loved and supported, even during these hard times, you can help them build the emotional foundation they need to thrive in the face of adversity.
