Why Punishing Our Children Doesn’t Work.

Our children and teenagers can show us a wide range of undesirable behaviours, such as lying, manipulating, shouting and being aggressive.

No matter what the behaviour is, responding with punishment simply will not work.

We can correct behaviours in other ways, but before we look at how to correct the behaviour, let’s look at why punishment isn’t the answer;

When we yell, spank, or respond by belittling or shaming our children it disconnects us from them. When we are disconnected it terminates our ability to influence them and therefore help them learn valuable lessons as they grow.

Punishing our children takes focus away from what our child should be doing and why. It doesn’t teach the right behaviour or the reason for it. We are missing an opportunity for giving our child the tools to meet their needs in a different way.

The punishment directs attention towards our child’s own suffering and resentment, therefore, not acknowledging the affect their behaviour had on others.

Punishment doesn’t actually change the tendency to engage in the behaviour that was punished. Instead it makes the child only avoid the source of punishment.

Punishing a child may result in initial obedience temporarily, however, this does not lead to long term change. It, in fact, takes away the child’s autonomy, as it creates extrinsic motivation, but reduces intrinsic motivation to behave, and can also have a long-term negative impact on their mental health.

Therefore, when a child feels like the parent isn’t watching them, they are still inclined to participate in the behaviour that got them punished.

Basically, the behaviour will continue, just behind the parents’ back.

Punishment impedes the development of an inner guiding system. For a child to be able to maintain self-control, make positive moral choices and gain skills for emotional regulation, they need to learn how to do this from their caregivers. Using punishment takes away all of these learning opportunities.

When shaming and shouting comes from an important adult in the child’s life, it can make the world feel unsafe. We are wired from birth to attach to a bigger, stronger adult to stay protected. When that adult does not show us this protection it removes the foundation of safety and they feel disconnected and insecure.

Punishment models aggression.

It simply teaches our children that the solution to their problems lies in cruel, demeaning, rigid, aggressive and harsh behaviours. These are the types of behaviours that the punishment is supposed to be curbing, but it has the opposite effect.

Isn’t this being too soft?

Some parents/caregivers fear that they are becoming permissive parents. Letting them get away with whatever they want. This isn’t the case. As parents/caregivers we are here to teach, not to punish. The teaching part is so important and their ability to learn what we are teaching them is what it is all about.

Children are simply unable to learn when they are being punished as their brain perceives a threat.

The thinking/rational/learning part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex) is shut down during their response to a threat, so whatever we think we are teaching them through the punishment isn’t being absorbed.

So, how can we correct the undesirable behaviour?

Firstly, our children need to be in the right brain state. This means they need to feel safe and connected. This means we need to avoid behaviours that they will see as a threat and allow time for them to reach a state of calm, which may mean co-regulating with them.

Secondly, we start teaching so that they can learn. We sit with them and explain what rules were broken, what the consequence is and we problem solve with them regarding how they can fix it.

We convey understanding for how they felt, acknowledge their perspective, and we talk about how others in the situation felt too. By doing this we are building the parent/child relationship, which makes it easier for them to come to us for guidance in any situation.

As caregivers we do our best to help our children develop a moral conscience, take responsibility for their actions, and interact with kindness. We do this through connection, because all punishment does is teaches our child to be afraid of us.