Why Can’t My Children Just Get Along? – Navigating Sibling Rivalry
It’s the most beautiful thing to witness when our children demonstrate support and care for one another, but this certainly doesn’t happen all the time. Some days our children can’t seem to be together without someone screaming, getting hurt or protesting that the other has done something wrong.
Sibling relationships are among the most complex and enduring bonds we experience in our lives and the path can often be bumpy.
Why The Rivalry Between Siblings?
The truth is we can't expect children to get along all the time just because they are related. Siblings spend a lot of time together and often have to share some of their belongings, their room and most importantly, their parents’ time. Add to all of this that they are generally different ages and developmental stages and that they may have different interests, then we can see why the emotional eruptions between them occur.
Looking closely at the dynamic we can recognise a few more of the common reasons for this turbulent bond;
Competition
Siblings may compete for limited resources such as toys, space, or parental resources like time and money. The need for children to compete for privileges, things, status or even love exacerbates their sensitivity towards what their sibling is doing or not doing.
Jealousy
Our children need our attention, and when they perceive it as limited or unequal they can become jealous. Any kind of preferential treatment by one parent to a brother or sister can fuel this feeling and encourage more fighting over who sits next to you, wanting to do something first or pointing out when the other is doing something wrong. They may feel that they need to be seen as better so that they can get more attention.
Parental Influence
Parents unknowingly contribute to sibling rivalry by inadvertently favouring or comparing their children. Even well-intentioned actions like setting benchmarks based on one child's accomplishments can create tensions.
Boredom
Sometimes our children are just bored and the fighting is simply to get some stimulation.
This Rivalry isn’t actually all bad!
Conflict is not always bad. When conflict arises it can help us see where things need to change and allows us to practise expressing our needs. This is a teaching moment for our children, and a part of their growth. They can practice negotiating and problem solving in the home environment and learn self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
These are all key skills to boost their social-emotional intelligence and will help them immensely in the future.
What to do when they are fighting
When we are guiding our children through a conflict we want to make sure that we don’t jump in too soon. It’s important to give them time to see if they can work it out between them first before we step in. Our children will then get a chance to practice these skills without relying on a parent to resolve it for them.
One way we may be able to help them if they aren’t able to resolve this on their own is to identify the problem. For young children we may need to say the words for them “it looks like you both want the blue car, but Billie picked it up first”. Help them to see how the other might feel and if they can’t verbalise it you can say it for them “you’re feeling frustrated because you really want that colour car”. With an understanding of what the problem is and how each person is feeling there is more opportunity for them to problem solve.
Children respond well to be given some independence and a sense of responsibility.
Once the problem has been identified you can give them a chance to see if they can come up with a solution themselves (this works well with children aged 3 and up). Here you can give them a few minutes to make a plan and let them know that you will be close by and can help them if they need it. If you recognise that the solution that they have come up with is unfair, then talk it through with them, encouraging them to reflect on how each other would feel if they if this solution went ahead.
If we know that a certain game always generates a conflict we can prepare for this by checking with them what they think may happen, for example; “what would happen if you both want the extra set of wheels? You can sit with them while they make their plan and guide them where necessary.
Nurturing Healthy Bonds
In addition to the times when our children are fighting there are other opportunities where we can help to grow their relationship in a positive way.
Provide opportunities for siblings to work together on shared activities or projects. Collaborative efforts promote teamwork, mutual respect, and strengthens their bond.
We can recognize and celebrate the unique qualities, talents, and strengths of each child. Encouraging their individuality fosters a sense of self-worth and reduces the need for constant comparison.
Encourage siblings to express their feelings, thoughts, and concerns openly. Establishing a safe and non-judgmental environment helps them understand each other better.
Dedicate individual quality time with each child to build a strong parent-child relationship. Scheduling one-on-one activities can help alleviate feelings of favouritism. Even just 10-15min of one-on-one time doing something that is directed by your child is enough for them to feel as though you have given them what they need.
Ensure fairness and equality in attention, resources, and privileges. Avoid comparisons and aim to meet each child's unique needs.
Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up and can have both positive and negative effects on a child's development. While it certainly isn’t something that we will eagerly anticipate, it may be easier to navigate when we see it from a new perspective:
Our kids are basically teaching each other how to get along in the world.
As parents and caregivers we can help by encouraging individuality, promoting communication, and teaching conflict resolution skills, which are essential steps towards minimizing rivalry and fostering a supportive and loving sibling dynamic.
